


thunderstorms

by renmoojunskz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Betrayal, Depression, Drinking, Family Drama, Family Member Death, Fluff, Han/Han Jisung | Bang Chan, I PROMISE ITS REALLY CUTE MOSTLY, IM SORRY I KNOW THE TAGS MAKE IT SEEM BAD, Lee Know/Lee Minho | Han/Han Jisung, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mental Health problems, PLEASE READ IT I KNOW IT SEEMS ANGSTY BUT ITS CUTE UNTIL THE END., Panic Attacks, Parties, Rape/Non-con Elements, Relationship Issues, Sad Fluff, Sad Jisung, Sort Of, Strangers to Lovers, Suicide, alternative ending later?, changbin just wants to help, changbin knight in shining armour, changbin sings lol, idk jisung likes it, im so sorry, its cute i swear, jisung goes through a lot, jisung is shy and quiet, lots of cute fluff, mature for death, mature for drinking, mature for mental health, mature for suicide, mental and physical, mentions of abuse, pls dont hate me, rape/non-con mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-28 22:56:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21144596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renmoojunskz/pseuds/renmoojunskz
Summary: jisung wasted 4 years of his life with lee minho. and now he has a new, complete stranger trying to help him.but boy does the past come to bite him in the ass.and some new problems emerge.but changbin is always there to help him along.





	thunderstorms

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ TAGS!
> 
> ITS CUTE I SWEAR AHHH
> 
> this took so long to write and i really like it. please leave feedback here and on my twitter @binseobins
> 
> changbins songs:  
never enough, the greatest showman  
a thousand years, Christina perri  
young and beautiful, lana del ray  
remember sunday, all time low  
if these sheets were the states, all time low  
therapy, all time low  
amnesia, 5 seconds of summer

"I can't do this anymore! i fucking hate you!" jisung screams through his tears.

"dont you fucking walk out! jisung!" 

but jisung is already running out the door.

he can't breathe, his mind running a whole marathon and he doesn't even realize it's raining until he's halfway down the street and soaking wet.

his heart aches.

4 years of his life completely wasted.

he loved his boyfriend. he did. and the first 2 and a half years were bliss. he was so happy.

but the day he moved in, everything changed.

the abuse, the alcohol.

god, how did he hide it from jisung for so fucking long?

jisung runs 4 more blocks before he collapses on the side of the road, crying loudly. 

thunder rumbles around him and his clothes are soaked but he cant even breathe anymore so why should he care about a stupid cold he might get later?

he doesn't know how long he's there.

cars pass but no one stops.

it has to be at least 2am by the time a car finally pulls up next to him and a figure steps out.

"hello? are you alright?" 

jisung sobs loudly, curling in on myself.

"... i guess not. do you need help? are you hurt?"

jisung stumbles over his words. "cheating.. he was so drunk… I can't breathe… I need.. help.. help please.."

"okay.. okay. come on get up, love." 

the stranger heaves jisung from the ground and helps him into his car.

"jesus you're soaked." 

jisung curls up, pulling his knees to his chest. he's shaking but he can't tell if its from the cold or his ongoing panic.

he feels something warm placed over him before the car starts.

he realizes then that he's in a strangers car.

"please dont hurt me." he whimpers.

"of course not. no. I won't."

jisung glances at him. he was handsome, around his age, dark, hard and sharp features. soft cheeks like his own.

jisung sniffs, pulling the jacket closer.

he remembers why he is here again and he cries.

he cries again and he feels pathetic.

"its okay, it's alright. you're safe."

jisung feels himself drifting. he hasn't slept in so long.

but he keeps himself awake as the car stops and he faintly hears the car door open next to him and then he is being carried through the rain.

"hey i get it you're tired but you need to get out of those wet clothes. gosh you're skinny. I hope this fits…" the boy says. "the bathroom is down the hall on the right." 

jisung takes the clothes, tears silently sliding down his cheeks.

he takes his time in the bathroom.

his eyes are red and lidded, his cheeks swollen and his lips bitten and red.

trailing back out, he notices that he's definitely in a house.

he sniffs, wiping his nose.

"im changbin by the way." the boy smiles softly. "do you feel alright?"

jisung shakes his head no. "im sorry."

"just get some sleep okay? you can talk to me in the morning. the door thats second on the left. ill be out here if you need something."

jisung nods softly. 

the bed is warm and smells like cologne.

the room itself is clean and has barely any decorations.

the second he is curled under the covers, he passes out.

-

it's definitely past noon when jisung cracks his eyes open. his head throbs and his throat is scratchy.

he stumbles through the house and finally finds changbin, he hopes that's his name, in the kitchen.

"oh. good morning." 

"what time is it?"

"nearly 2 in the afternoon."

"oh. well.. um…"

"I washed your clothes, they're in the living room if you want them."

"yeah. I guess I should go."

changbin stares at him. "are you safe at home?"

"what?"

"are you safe? if you go back home are you going to be hurt?"

jisung looks at his feet. he knows the answer to that. the second he steps inside he's going to get laid into.

"you don't need to leave then. you can stay here."

"but you don't even know me…"

"I know enough to see that you're being abused. probably emotionally and psychically. and you seem like a nice person, jisung. if i do one good thing in my life i want it to be saving someone from an abusive relationship."

jisung feels hot tears on his cheeks and he hurriedly wipes them away. "sorry… are you sure I won't be in the way?"

"no. of course not."

"uhm.. changbin… hyung? I won't stay too long.. just until minho calms down and I can go back."

changbin gives him a sad smile. "your phone is with your clothes. it's been blowing up."

jisung nods and goes to get this things.

his phone dings as he picks it up. 

from: minho <3

where he fcuck ade ryou

tou fu king useless piscee of shit t

comee back soa i can teszch you nott tot walk aout of me.

HANA HISUDNG

immfgoing to dcuk ing killynyoubthe second tou walknin thiss door

where erhe fucck didnttou go.

ade ftkunfucking chesftjng on mee

josusng if gtou dont ansdeer me right now ei will rrack youh down ans ripp yiu to oifeces

youre ssy h a fuc king sslutt

i candt tucking standd you. 

youres so annoting and doahtitic no one wiwll everr love rtou but tme 

come homee right fucking gnow.

i ams going to beat sosme sense einto you.

all from last night.

and then 3 starting today.

from: minho <3

han jisung. where are you.

i am going to make sure you never walk out again. 

come home now before you regret it. you know i track your fucking phone.

the last one makes jisung begin to panic.

he hyperventilates and sobs.

"jisung? hey what's wrong what happened?"

jisung pushes him away. "don't touch me."

changbin steps back. "I won't."

after jisung calms down he looks at changbin. "can i stay…? for awhile…? im not safe if i go home."

"of course."

"he goes to work soon. is it okay if we go and get some of my stuff…?"

changbin nods. "after that let's go get dinner and we can get to know each other. im sure we will be great friends."

-

"how long did you say?"

"4 years." jisung mumbles through his mouthful of spaghetti.

changbin blinks. "my longest relationship was 7 months and it was kind of fake but."

"yeah. mines probably fake." jisung swallows. "he hits me a lot and he keeps trying to fuck me and im just not ready. and he gets really drunk a lot. he probably never loved me."

"yeah. im sorry." changbin sighs. 

"its okay." 

"you can stay as long as you want. I think you're pretty cool."

"I have pasta sauce on my face and you think im cool?"

changbin laughs. "yeah it's funny."

jisung wipes his face with a napkin and pushes his nearly empty plate away.

"done?" changbins empty bowl of salad in front of him.

jisung nods. "yes."

changbin gets the check. "it's on me." he states as he slides his card into the bill and handing it back.

"awww okay. thanks." jisung smiles.

they leave and changbin helps jisung bring in the few bags he had before they sit on the couch in silence.

"ummm." changbin clears his throat. "do you drink?" 

"do you?" jisung snaps.

"not a lot. and im not a lightweight." changbin defends. "I just have something every once in a while. if that's okay? I don't drink a lot."

"sorry. yeah no that's fine." jisung relaxes. "what do you have?"

"ummm.. everything? vodka, whiskey, beer…."

"just.. um. a beer I guess."

changbin nods and disappears, returning with a glass of whiskey and beer.

they drink quietly and tell stories that come up.

jisungs childhood pets, changbins job, jisungs mom getting sick 2 years ago, changbins sister dying when he was young, and funny memories.

and they laugh together.

jisung is happier than he has been in years with a nearly complete stranger.

its weird, kind of. if you really think about it.

but jisung feels comfortable.

comfortable enough to ask, "can I sleep in your clothes again? you smell good."

"are you drunk?" changbin raises an eyebrow. 

jisung had to admit, maybe a little. "no. im sober."

changbin leans back, shamelessly manspreading, holding his glass to his thigh and laughing. "yeah that's fine. help yourself."

"I don't know where your room is."

"the one you slept in last night?" 

"where did you sleep?" 

"the couch pulls out." 

"no you should sleep in your own bed. or a bed. aren't there other rooms?"

"my office and a spare i use as storage. so no."

"let me sleep on the pull out."

"nah. I sleep in my desk chair a lot so it's pretty comfy compared. I don't use my bed loads."

"you should sleep more."

"I work a lot."

"can i have another beer?"

"sure. in the fridge. bring the whiskey out."

jisung does. 

"thanks." changbin fills his glass.

"open this."

"i'm not your bitch. its twist off."

"im weak."

"oh come on. you can open it."

"i cant."

"why not?"

"i have 6 fractured fingers that never healed right. I can't open it."

changbin stares. "how did you fracture 6 fingers?"

jisung frowns, the memory making him want to cry. "I don't want to talk about it."

"did minho break your fingers?"

"fracture."

"did he?"

jisung takes the open beer and sits down, sinking in on himself and taking a drink.

"jisung."

jisung blinks, looking away.

"jisung. did minho do that?"

jisung pulls his knees to his chest.

"jisung seriously. do they still hurt?"

jisung nods.

"what happened."

"i said no."

its quiet.

jisung feels his hands start shaking.

"jisung? can I hold you?" 

jisung lets out a shaky breath. "please don't touch me."

"I won't."

jisung finishes off the beer, shaking harder by the minute.

"you should go to bed, jisung."

"i'll sleep here."

"in that? no seriously. at least go change into something comfortable?"

jisung shakes his head, setting the bottle down next to the other empty one on the table and sliding down. he lays on his side, holding his knees to his chest and trembling.

changbin stays for a while before standing and sighing.

jisungs eyes droop and little and the shaking slows.

changbin drapes at blanket over him and puts a pillow next to his face before disappearing.

jisung breathes out slowly, settling his head on the pillow.

"you're so pathetic." he whispers to himself.

-

"shit. sorry." changbin mumbles.

jisung opens his eyes and squints.

changbin gathers the books from the ground. "go back to sleep."

"what time is it..?" 

"3am. I didn't mean to wake you i just tripped a little."

jisung sits up. "my legs hurt."

"you're wearing jeans."

jisung sighs. "I don't feel the best."

"that's okay. you wanna go to my bed instead? you can change."

jisung nods, standing and following him.

"here uh.. I hope these fit."

changbin hands him some sweatpants and a shirt.

"can I have a hoodie instead?"

changbin nods, switching the shirt out for a green hoodie.

"if you need anything i'll be across the hall. okay?"

"why aren't you sleeping?"

"work."

"you should sleep."

"i will soon."

"you can sleep in here."

changbin stares at him, scanning his face. his hair flopping down into his eyes and his puffy cheeks.

"but please don't touch me."

"okay, jisung. you change, i'll go save my stuff and be back okay?"

jisung nods.

changbin leaves and he changes. the pants are big, barely staying on, and the hoodie swallows him. but they smell comforting.

jisung crawls into bed and nuzzled his face into the pillow.

changbin returns a few minutes later. "I usually sleep shirtless but if you're uncomfortable, I can keep a shirt on."

"no that's fine."

the light is dim but jisung can still see changbins defined stomach and chest when he strips.

they lay away from each other, enough space for another person between them.

jisung is asleep first and soon after, changbin drifts off too.

-

jisung wakes up to an empty bed.

but, a note on the pillow next to him.

"im at work until 3, make yourself at home. my card is on the counter, order what you want. see you later." 

jisung sighs. a phone number is at the bottom. he texts it.

to: unknown

changbin hyung?

he sighs, getting up.

he wants a shower.

halfway through his phone dings and he shuffles around for it before glancing.

from: unknown

yup! sleep well?

jisung finishes his shower and changes into a pair of shorts and a shirt before texting changbin back.

to: changbin

yea i guess. you didn't need to leave your card.

from: changbin

it's no big deal. order whatever you want. you deserve it. 

jisung smiles and his heart flips.

"no. no no no. dont do that you dumb ass."

jisung groans. 

he does order some food. but he barely eats any of it.

at 3:30 the door opens and changbin slips in. 

jisung is sitting on the couch, staring at the barely eaten chicken.

"hey," changbin smiles.

jisung sighs. "goodnight."

changbin gives him a questioning look.

"when i'm sad i want to be alone. so goodnight. don't touch me tonight." jisung stands and coughs.

"okay," changbin nods.

"I'm wearing your hoodie again."

"okay,"

"thank you for understanding."

"of course. im here if you want me."

jisung doesn't sleep. he just lays and stares at the walls all day.

he doesn't realize how late it had gotten until the door opens and changbin slips in.

jisung pretends to be asleep.

after snuffling around, changbin climbs into bed.

jisung immediately flips around snuggles into his arm.

changbin tenses.

please please please please please, jisung begs in his mind.

cautiously, changbin moves around and places his arms around jisung. 

his hands are gentle and barely there. 

jisung pushes himself as close as possible and holds onto him.

he feels himself getting sleepy and lets himself drift off.

-

it had been 5 months since changbin found jisung on the side of the road.

and honestly, jisung couldn't imagine his life without changbin now.

he ignores minho and he has gotten a little better around changbin too. they've opened up to each other a lot.

"ew. put clothes on." jisung groans.

changbin laughs a little, sitting up from his push ups. "you like it."

jisung scrunches his nose. "gross."

"what do you want to do for dinner?"

"make that pasta. whatever it is."

"ive made that like 3 times this week."

"i like it." 

changbin rolls his eyes. "fine i'll make you some but i'm making myself something else."

jisung grins. "you're the best."

changbin sighs. he only does this because he might be catching some sort of feelings for jisung.

but of course he wouldn't say that.

how are you supposed to tell someone that you became friends with because their ex abused them that you like them?

changbin cooks quietly. 

"again, at least put pants on i don't need to see your dick."

"you can't even see it." changbin laughs.

"still!" jisung groans.

changbin grins.

after they eat, changbin remembers something.

"hey my friend is coming over in a bit, i forgot to mention it." he clears his throat. "hes cool though."

jisung nods. "okay that's cool."

an hour later the door opens. "changbin!" 

changbin chuckles. "in here chan." 

"hey so woojin said-" the guy stops and looks and jisung. "oh changbin you didn't tell me you had a new cute friend." 

jisung sinks in on himself. 

"chan," changbins tone is warning.

"hey im just saying. hes cute. what's your name?"

"chan no." 

"jisung.." jisung mumbles.

"pretty." chan sits next to him and jisung shuffles closer to changbin.

"chan hyung can i talk to you privately?" changbin stands, a hand on jisungs shoulder.

chan nods, "sure." 

"okay seriously. stop. I knew you would start with this. yes jisung is pretty but no you aren't allowed to make any moves. first of all his ex boyfriend of 4 years abused him and he's really not okay from it. okay? he's uncomfortable around new people and you flirting with him will probably make him freak out so please don't start."

"aw come on. you know i'm kidding around. what's the matter? you two together?" 

"no." changbin says flatly. "no. we aren't. but that doesn't even matter."

"fine fine i'll lay off a bit."

"not a bit- chan-"

but chan disappears back into the living room and plops next to jisung again. 

jisung stiffens and looks up for changbin.

the second changbin sits, jisung practically scrambles onto his lap. 

"aw don't worry i wont bother you. you don't need to run."

jisung latches onto changbin and glances at chan from around changbins head.

changbin smiles to himself.

"I thought you said he wasn't comfortable around people." chan scoffs.

"yeah well he's comfortable with me." changbin snaps.

the three sit and watch whatever movie was playing for a while.

changbin squeezes jisungs waist and whispers softly. "sorry. he's a little forward." 

jisung shakes his head.

that's all jisung says for the rest of the night.

"so I thought we were gonna produce stuff." chan asks around 9.

"oh. yeah. yeah."

jisung looks at him with wide eyes.

"sorry. ill be in bed later."

"no cuddles?" jisung asks.

changbin laughs, standing. "probably not tonight."

jisung makes an unsatisfied noise and shuffles to bed.

"weird." chan mumbles.

jisung sighs, waiting for changbin to come to bed.

it had been a while since he slept without changbin. and he wasn't going to start again.

he doesn't know how long he waits until the door opens. 

"jisung seriously? it's 5am you should be sleeping." 

jisung shrugs. 

"you okay?"

jisung shrugs again.

"did chan freak you out?"

jisung nods. 

"im sorry. he won't bother you."

jisung is asleep as soon as his head meets changbins chest and changbin rubs his waist. 

"I think im falling in love with you."

-

"hey changbin do you wanna go- oh."

jisung stares at him, halfway between a bite of pizza.

"wheres changbin?" chan asks.

"work," jisung swallows.

"oh. well, that's fine. we can chill then."

"he will be home soon," jisung scoots away as chan sits next to him and slings an arm on the back of the couch behind jisung.

"that's cool. what's up?"

"eating."

"you have pretty eyes." chan leans forward and jisung leans away. "and your skin is nice. what do you use?"

"water, please back up."

chan laughs. "oh come on i'm not that bad."

his hand falls on jisungs knee and he flinches. "don't touch me please."

"why are you so jumpy? im not going to hurt you," chan shuffles closer. "you're just so pretty."

"seriously. stop." jisung pushes at his hand.

chan squeezes his leg. "don't be a prude. im not going to do anything to you."

but his words contradict his actions as his other hand falls on the back of jisungs neck and the other travels up his leg.

"don't worry."

"please get off. please don't touch me, I don't like being touched."

"im sure you dont mind when changbin does this. huh? am I right?" chan whispers as he leans his face towards jisungs neck.

jisung is trapped.

his heart races and he squeezes his eyes shut.

"just get it over with." he whimpers, tears starting to slide down his cheeks.

"aw don't cry. you're not pretty when you cry."

jisung lets out a shaky breath, his whole body trying to recoil from chans touch. 

"I promise it'll be fun." his voice is low in jisungs ear. and then his teeth are on jisungs neck, biting down.

jisungs hands curl into his own shirt, trying to hold himself together.

chan leaves a purple mark when he pulls away from jisungs neck.

"how beautiful." he mumbles.

jisung sniffs, trying hard not to hit him, knowing that whatever comes after the hit could seriously injure him.

"hey jisung i saw chans car- what the fuck?"

jisung sobs loudly and shoves chan, practically barreling into changbins arms. 

"chan what the hell? i told you to leave him the fuck alone! whats wrong with you?!"

"he was having fun don't yell at me. he liked it."

"what did you do to him?" changbins voice was low, arms tight around jisungs waist.

"nothing! just gave him some good memories."

"he touched me." jisung whimpered. "and i didnt want him to."

"okay, go to our room." changbin steps away from him.

jisung rushes to the stairs but stays to watch, trembling and crying.

"what the fuck is fucking wrong with you?!" changbin yells.

"I didn't do anything!"

"hes fucking terrified. you told me you didnt rape that girl. that she was just drunk and so were you. but i dont fucking believe that shit anymore."

"i didnt rape anybody, asshole." chan shoves changbins chest. "your little friend is just a fucking prude and was playing hard to get."

jisung watches as changbin throws his first punch. and then the many after that as well.

"get the fuck out. get out of my fucking house i never want to see you again. if you fucking breathe in jisungs direction, ill fucking kill you." changbin spits.

"fuck you." chan spits, wiping blood off of his lip and scrambling to his feet. "watch your fucking back."

chan slams the door on his way out and changbin nearly runs right into jisung on his way up the stairs.

"jisung! i told you to go upstairs." he sighs, cupping jisungs face and wiping the tears on his cheeks.

"thank you," jisung hiccups. 

"don't thank me, he's a jerk. are you okay? did he hurt you?"

jisung shakes his head and changbin spots the mark. his fingers brush over it and he pulls jisung into a hug.

he holds jisung as the younger boy sobs, completely breaking down.

jisungs knees buckle and changbin sweeps him up into his arms.

"it's okay. no one can hurt you." changbin assures as he covers jisung in bed and climbs in with him.

jisung cries for around 4 hours, leaving a big wet spot on changbins shirt and lots of wrinkles where he holds on.

eventually, he cries himself to sleep.

-

it had been around a month.

jisung was doing alright so changbin decides to invite him to a party.

"hey, sungie?" he asks.

"mhm??"

"do you want to go to a party?"

"the one you go to like every week?"

"yeah."

"i guess. im usually bored anyway."

changbin smiles. "great!"

jisung changes into some shorts and a shirt and changbin drives them.

"chan will be here but don't worry he just fucks around with his other friends." changbin says.

"it's fine i'll just stay by you." jisung smiles.

the house was already blaring music and packed with people when they got inside.

"let's go find some of my other friends."

jisung holds his arm as he guides them through the crowd of drunk people.

"changbin hyung!" a small freckled boy hugs him as they reach a small group.

"hey lix. seungmin, hyunjin." changbin greets. "jeongin, this is jisung."

"ah the famous roommate!" one smiles. "hi! im hyunjin."

jisung smiles and nods a little, still holding changbins arm.

the "lix" boy clings to changbin on the other side seemingly tipsy.

jisung watches changbin sling an arm around his waist and feels something burn in his stomach.

"we are going to get drinks, sungie, will you be okay staying here?" changbin asks over the music.

jisung nods and lets go. "get me-"

"i will." changbin smiles and then disappears with the boy at his side.

"so," the blonde asks, "you close with changbin hyung then?"

"uh yeah.." jisung nods.

"real quiet aren't you?"

"sorry."

"no its fine. im jeongin!" he smiles.

jisung smiles back softly. 

"man, could felix be any more obvious about his crush? it's kind of funny." the one jisung assumes is seungmin laughs.

"crush?" jisung asks.

"felix has liked changbin for years." hyunjin adds. "changbin is just oblivious."

"does changbin like him?" 

"oh god no. changbin does not get feelings that easy."

"actually- ow!" jeongin yelps as hyunjin elbows him. "what?"

"he doesn't know."

"I don't know what?"

"here," changbins voice comes from behind him. 

jisung takes the drink. "thanks."

"hyung~" felix whines. "lets dance!"

"after I finish this, sure." changbin answers.

jisung stands off to the side, sipping the drink changbin got him.

changbin and felix disappear into the crowd to dance a little while later.

"so jisung," hyunjin starts. "how did you and changbin hyung meet?"

"um…" jisung mumbles. "just out in the city."

"he doesn't go there much."

"it was the night chan- ow! stop that!" jeongin whines.

"stop talking." hyunjin warns. "anyway. that's cool! you two seem close."

"i guess."

it goes quiet.

then jisung hears a familiar laugh.

he freezes. 

there's no way.

absolutely no fucking way.

"minho hyung!" hyunjins voice makes jisung flinch.

"no oh my god." jisung whispers.

"hey hyunjin! whats up- jisung?" 

jisungs body starts to shake.

"you two know each other?"

jisung hears everything as if he's underwater. he refuses to look at minho.

"of course we do. jisung, wanna step aside and catch up for a bit?" minho's hand curls around jisungs wrist and jisung snatches it away.

"no. d-dont touch me.." he whimpers.

"jisung." minho's voice is stern.

tears well in jisungs eyes and fear paralyzes him to the floor.

"is everything okay?"

and jisung does something he never does. something that causes all of the people around to look at him.

he screams.

"JISUNG?!" he hears faintly after his scream ends.

his chest heaves as he tries to breathe and the room spins when he opens his eyes.

"jisung!"

jisung stumbles and changbin catches him. 

"what's wrong??"

"minho.." jisung stumbles over the rest of the sentence but changbin knows what he means.

"if you fucking touch him ever again ill rip you in half you fucking piece of shit."

"is this your new boy, jisung? how pathetic."

jisung cant listen. he won't let himself listen.

"im sure you know by now that hes a fucking cunt. such a prude, too. pretends he doesnt want it but its so obvious that hes a fucking slu-"

changbin punches him. and that's all jisung remembers before he blacks out.

"hyung!!" jeongin calls, pulling at changbins shoulders. "stop!!!"

changbin stands and spits directly onto minhos face, narrowly missing his eye. "youre a fucking asshole. leave jisung alone." 

minho scoffs and stands up. "fuck you."

changbins chest heaves and he turns. "jisung- oh shit."

he pulls jisung up bridal style and sighs. "im sorry guys. next time you see him it won't end like this." 

and with that, changbin takes jisung home.

"hyung..?" jisung mumbles as he wakes up.

"right here." changbin reaches and grabs jisungs hand. "we are on our way home."

jisung takes changbins hand in both of his and pulls it to his face, pressing changbins cool fingers to his cheek.

changbin brushes his fingers across his skin.

jisung sighs. "sorry."

"don't be. it's okay."

jisung stares at his lap as changbin presses his palm to his cheek, parking in the driveway.

"let's go in. you should sleep." changbin offers.

"im so sorry. I wish you didn't stop that night to help me. now im just fucking up your life." jisung sniffs. "i should just fucking leave. this is why I don't have any friends! this is why they all left me and i found minho! im such a fuck up. i fuck everything up so fucking much and i hate myself. i need to fucking leave and forget about you. i deserve to be alone and pathetic my whole fucking life."

jisung gets out of the car, crying loudly.

he tries to run but ends up in changbins arms.

"jisung no. everyone has problems and rough spots. and i'm glad you found me because you deserve something good jisung. you're an amazing person. you arent a fuck up. im here for you, baby. and im not going anywhere."

jisung sobs into his chest.

"jisung i'm serious. i love you so much."

it slips out and changbin immediately regrets it. shit. now he really messed up. 

jisung sniffs. "i love you too." he whispers.

changbin holds him tighter, trying not to smile to himself. "lets go inside okay?"

jisung nods and follows changbin inside.

they curl up on the couch and jisung eventually calms down.

"hyung." he whispers.

"yeah?"

"i like you. a lot. but i don't know."

"i like you too."

"im just… all messed up i guess…"

"maybe you could do some therapy? if you want. and get medicine. im sure it might help you get back on track. and i can wait. ive liked you for awhile now."

"maybe we can just go on a date? and if it goes well I can find a therapist or get medication."

"that sounds good."

jisung smiles. "okay."

-

changbin decides to take jisung out for dinner the next night. 

it wasn't too fancy. but definitely not jeans and tshirt either.

so jisung wears a button up shirt and pants and changbin wears similar.

"can i get wine??" jisung asks shyly.

"yeah of course. whatever you want." changbin smiles.

jisung does order wine, and pasta to eat. 

changbin orders soup and they share sides and the wine.

"so, tell me about your family. you already know about my sister. and my mom too. so what about yours?" changbin asks.

"um well.. my parents live in Malaysia. I dont talk to them much. they didn't fully approve of my coming out. I haven't seen them in years. i only hear from them on my birthday. they always send a card with a check."

"oh well that's nice at least."

"yeah i guess."

its quiet for a while.

"i was thinking we could watch some movies when we get home? make some snacks, i got your favorite wine too. make a big blanket and pillow pile and cuddle."

jisungs cheeks dust pink and he smiles. "that's so sweet of you…"

"you deserve the best."

jisung smiles, hiding his face. "no one is ever this nice to me."

changbin gently takes jisungs hands from his face and smiles. "let me see you blushing."

jisung squeals softly and stomps his feet cutely. "stop,"

changbin chuckles, locking their fingers together. "it's so cute. im glad I can express my feelings for you now."

jisungs ears are red too and he smiles widely.

"ive never seen you smile that big.." 

jisung sinks back. "sorry its ugly i know."

"no! no no no, it's beautiful. your smile is so pretty, jisung."

jisung whines softly. "seriously stop its embarrassing." his face heats up even more.

"are you done eating?"

jisung nods.

changbin calls the check and pays and they leave.

shyly, jisung takes changbins hand as they walk out, linking their fingers again.

changbin squeezes to reassure him and smiles to himself.

at home, changbin piles blankets and pillows together on the pullout couch and pulls out jisungs wine and his own whiskey and snacks for later.

jisung prances downstairs in changbins hoodie and-

"are you wearing pants?"

jisungs face turns bright red and he pulls the hem of the hoodie down. "no…"

changbin smiles. "thats cute."

jisung shuffles a little. "is that okay..?"

"yeah! yeah. whatever you're comfortable with. is it okay if I take off my shirt then? im probably going to put sweatpants on."

jisung nods shyly. "i'll get comfortable."

changbin changes into sweatpants and goes back down.

jisung is curled into the blankets, sipping wine waiting.

changbin pours his drink and carefully climbs in next to him and lets jisung get comfortable into his side, practically on his lap, before looking through movies.

he picks one and they watch quietly.

after 2 glasses each, jisung sets his empty glass down and snuggles closer to changbin, nuzzling his cheek on his shoulder.

changbin sets his glass down as well and wraps both arms around jisung.

jisung throws a leg over changbins hips and sighs.

"everything okay? tell me if I touch you wrong."

"no no, everything is perfect. thank you."

"you don't need to thank me."

"you're perfect." jisung sighs. 

changbin doesn't reply, just rubs his waist and smiles.

after a while, jisung falls asleep and changbin turns off the tv and settles further to fall asleep too.

jisung wakes up a few hours later and groans softly, burying his face in changbins chest.

"hey baby." jisung jumps a little. "sorry," changbin chuckles.

"you're awake?" jisung looks up.

"yeah. been awake for a bit."

"oh."

"you're really pretty."

jisung blushes. "stop.." 

changbin smiles. "that's cute."

jisung smiles. "you're so perfect."

changbin hums softly, rubbing jisungs waist. 

they stay quiet for a while. 

"I hope I can make you happy." changbin sighs.

"you already are."

-

in the morning jisung wakes up alone.

he rolls over and pulls the blankets up, wrapping himself tightly.

"morning, sleepy head. want some breakfast?"

jisung peeks up at changbin. 

"yes? I can bring it to you." 

jisung sighs and sits up, rubbing his eyes. "no im coming."

changbin disappears to the kitchen and jisung follows shortly after.

"im cold." he mumbles, sliding behind changbin and hugging his waist, rubbing his cheek on changbins shoulder.

"yeah your hands are cold."

jisung giggles. "sorry."

changbin pulls him back when he starts to back away, turning around.

he kisses jisungs forehead and smiles. "so cute."

jisung giggles again, giving him a bright smile.

changbin finishes the breakfast and they eat.

"don't you have to work?" 

"I called in. we can spend all day on the pull out watching movies together and cuddling."

"you called off for that?"

changbin nods, chewing. "I did."

jisung smiles. "that's sweet of you."

the doorbell rings.

"that would be your flowers."

"flowers…?"

changbin kisses his head as he passes and disappears to the living room.

jisung watches as he comes back with a huge bouquet of roses in a white box.

pink roses.

jisung doesn't know why but he tears up.

"what? what's wrong?" changbin sets them down and pulls jisung into a hug as he cries.

"no one has ever been this nice to me."

changbin holds him until he calms down.

"sorry… thank you. I love them." jisung wipes his face and touches the roses. "can we cuddle now?"

"they won't ever die either. they are infinite." changbin smiles.

jisung smiles.

-

their first fight. it had been 4 months and they were happy.

and now they're fighting.

over the dumbest thing.

"changbin listen to me!" jisung screams. "I don't know why you always feel the need to express your feelings! it's adorable really I love it but you're wasting so much money on flowers and shit that just die anyway!"

changbins jaw clenches. "i have my fucking reasons jisung."

"YOU JUST CANT CONTROL YOURSELF!"

"JISUNG I HAVE TO! I FUCKING HAVE TO!" changbin yells. the entire fight so far changbin hadnt yelled.

jisung flinches.

"you dont fucking understand okay? i have to make sure you know how much you mean to me i cant fucking lose you. I cant! it's so important to me jisung! so i buy you things to make sure you remember that i fucking love you!"

jisung stares at him and blinks.

changbin stares back. "its just… I have to. I have to."

"you love me?" jisung whispers.

"what? jisung-"

"you said you love me."

"jisung i-"

"do you? cause last time someone said that to me they beat me and fucking raped me and ruined my fucking life over that stupid lie. I let that lie manipulate me."

"i love you jisung. i fucking love you. and i would never hit you. or touch you without you saying its okay. you never told me that minho-"

"stop. do you? love me?"

"yes. I love you so much jisung."

"I can't say that back."

"that's okay." changbin takes a breath. "did minho-"

"yes. he did. and i never told you because i don't want to be treated like im fragile because of it. and i know you wouldn't touch me if you knew. you wouldn't even cuddle me because you would be scared of hurting me and I don't want that. im okay, changbin. the last time he did it was so long ago it doesn't affect me until someone gets to that point and then I freak out but that's only happened once and I trust you. I trust you changbin. but I can't say that i love you because i don't know how to love anyone again. im so fucking fucked up from minho manipulating that i dont know how to fucking love you when i know i should. because you treat me so good. youre fucking perfect changbin and i hate that i cant say i love you back. i fucking hate-"

changbin kisses him.

their first kiss.

jisung immediately clings to him, his body shaking and fireworks coursing in his veins.

changbin holds him tightly and kisses him the same.

and jisung cries.

he pulls away and he cries.

"baby i-"

"I want to say that I love you. but I can't." jisung cries. "and im so sorry."

"its okay jisung. its okay. I understand you don't have to." changbin holds him tightly. "but I need you to know that I love you."

"I know."

"good."

at that moment, as jisung cries into changbins chest, the front door opens.

"hey changbin- oh shit."

"seriously chan?" changbin hisses.

"hey man i'm sorry. I just haven't seen you in ages."

"fucking knock then!" changbin yells, making jisung flinch into his chest and sob loudly.

"sorry. I just-"

"i dont fucking care! get out!"

Chan disappears and jisung shakes against changbin.

"sorry baby. do you want to sleep a little?" jisung whimpers a little and nods.

changbin lifts him and lets jisung wrap his legs around his waist and takes him to bed.

jisung shakes for a while and when he finally calms down he falls asleep.

the next day, changbins at work and jisung cleans a little around the house when his phone goes off.

from: unknown

hey jisung you home?

to: unknown

who is this?

from: unknown

chan. i wanna talk. is changbin home? im omw.

jisung stares at the text and then the time. changbin should be home in an hour.

to: unknown

make it quick.

he takes a breath and waits. 

chan strolls in without knocking a few minutes later.

"hey. when will changbin be home?" chan asks.

"an hour."

the things that happen next startle jisung.

"scream, i kill you."

-

"jisung!! baby!!! im home!!!! lets go out for dinner and- what the fuck?"

jisung sobs, his entire body trembling. "d-don't touch m-me. dont l-look at me." he curls into a ball.

"what happened why are you naked? hey what's wrong? jisung?"

changbins fingers barely touch jisungs back and he screams, smacking at his hand. 

"baby. what happened?"

jisung doesn't reply, finally having enough strength to pull the blanket from the back of the couch over his body.

he cries. hard.

"jisung…" changbin carefully sits next to him. "baby look at me."

jisung glances quickly and pulls the blanket tighter.

"hey.. its okay. im not going to hurt you. please? let me hold you."

jisung shakes his head and whimpers loudly.

"what happened?"

"c-chan came a-and he.. he.." jisung blabbers out.

jisung sees changbins eyes go dark.

"he won't touch you ever again. im going to kill him. fuck im going to tear him apart. we can get a restraining order baby. he can't hurt you."

"he already did." jisung spits.

changbin goes quiet. 

the only sounds for a while are jisungs crying.

"come here baby."

jisung shakes his head. "don't touch me."

"baby I won't hurt you. you know that. I love you." changbins voice is sad.

a few minutes later jisung shuffles into changbin, body shaking violently, crying hard.

changbin quickly hugs him and cradles him to his chest. "its okay. its okay. breathe baby."

he rubs jisungs back and jisung can feel his steady breathing and his heart.

but he can't calm down. 

changbin kisses his head over and over and holds him tightly.

after what seems like forever, jisung stops shaking so hard and coughs.

"im sorry."

"for what baby?"

"I'm sorry that you had to see my ugly body and-"

"hey hey. don't do that baby. you know i think youre beautiful. youre perfect. my gorgeous boy. I didn't even look, remember? don't apologize for that. do you want to go take a shower? I can stand in the bathroom and if you need me ill be there."

"my legs.." jisungs voice cracks. "i cant."

"a bath then? I can give you a bath baby."

"would you?"

"of course i would. of course." changbin coos. "lets go yeah?"

jisung lets changbin carry him to the bathroom and he sits on the toilet as changbin grabs clothes.

he watches changbin run the water, holding the blanket around him.

when it's ready changbin looks at him. "I won't look while you get in."

jisung sniffs. "I don't think I want to try by myself. I can't feel my body."

changbins eyes go soft. "okay lovely, i can help if that's okay?"

jisung nods softly. "just don't look too much."

changbin nods but he can't help but notice the bruises on jisungs legs and torso as he gently puts him in the bath. or the ones on his wrists as jisung lets his hands run through the water.

he smiles gently. "let me get a cup so i can wash your hair. you can start cleaning yourself okay?"

jisung nods lightly.

when changbin returns, jisung doesn't notice and he sits staring at his legs under the water, fingers drifting over the dark bruises formings, tears on his cheeks.

changbin sits on the side of the tub and brushes hair for jisungs face.

jisungs lip wobbles when he looks up.

"don't cry, princess." changbin whispers. "it's all okay now, he can't hurt you. ill make sure of it. im going to be here to protect you."

"where were you this time?"

the words stab right into changbins heart and twist. tears form and he sighs. "im so sorry. im so so so sorry."

jisung leans forward and lets changbin gently wash his hair. both boys cry silently.

when jisung is done, changbin carefully helps him dry off, then get dressed and helps jisung on his wobbly legs to bed.

when he's there, jisung lays down and looks at him. "I want to be alone tonight."

changbins heart cracks. "okay. ill sleep on the floor. if you need me just call out, okay?"

jisung nods, curling into the covers and turning away.

neither slept, neither talk, but both cried.

-

the next month was quiet between the two.

most of the nights changbin sleeps on the couch and they rarely talk to each other.

"jisung?"

the younger hums.

"maybe you should go to therapy."

"why?"

"this is ruining our relationship."

"oh."

"you won't talk to me or let me touch you or help you. I feel useless."

"is it my fault?" jisungs eyes burn into changbins. "is it my fucking fault?"

"no! no no no it's not. I just want to help."

jisungs jaw clenches. "maybe I don't need any help."

"baby you've closed yourself off from me. let's just try to make it easier for you?"

jisung rubs his face. "ive been trying. I just need to be comfortable with you."

"how can i help with that?"

"I just… let me initiate things okay? ill be better soon." 

changbin smiles. "okay."

jisung kisses him as he passes. "im going to take a nap."

-

it was getting better. mostly.

nearly 2 months pass. they talk more like they did before and cuddle at night.

it seemed like he was getting better.

that is until today.

jisungs phone rings and memories from his teenage years fill his mind as the familiar voice comes through the phone.

"han jisung."

"hello to you, dad."

"you need to come home now. your mother is really sick in the hospital." his voice was cold.

jisung gulps. "oh.."

"I don't want any excuses. be here tomorrow. you're going to need a hotel. your room has been changed to my game room. see you."

his dad hangs up and jisung stares at the ceiling.

"sung? who was that?"

"will you come home with me?"

"home?"

"my mom's dying."

"oh. shit. yeah baby. let me go call my boss. you go start packing. okay?"

jisung nods.

he took his time packing, his body felt numb.

he remembers the constant emotional abuse and sometimes physical that he endured after his coming out.

but it was his family, he can't just… not go.

the plane ride was quiet. changbin holds his hand, kissing it often and trying to get him to smile. 

jisung stares at the tiny black screen in front of him.

it wasn't a long flight.

but it felt like years to jisung.

finally they're landing and jisung and changbin are the last ones off.

changbin had rented a room in a hotel for them. it was simple and nice. immediately, jisung curls into the bed. it was late and he was tired. his mom could wait until the morning.

changbin sighs. "you should change first princess." he mumbles.

jisung sniffs, a single tear on his cheek.

so changbin undresses him and carefully puts him in a soft hoodie.

then he climbs in next to him and pulls him incredibly close.

"sing for me." jisung whispers. "never enough."

changbin hums. "okay baby."

im trying to hold my breath,

let it stay this way,

can't let this moment end. 

you set of a dream with me,

getting louder now, can you hear it echoing?

take my hand,

will you share this with me?

cause darling without you…

-

"is this…your boyfriend?" jisungs dad snarls.

changbin tugs jisung closer.

"yes, dad. can i see mom now?"

"whatever." 

although he was acting mean, jisung could see the sadness molding its way into the wrinkles in his father's face.

but his mother was worse.

he knew this day would come, his mother was always thin and fragile and always had some sort of health problem.

he just didn't think it would be so soon.

changbin kisses his head.

"hi mom.." jisung whispers, sitting in the chair next to the bed.

changbin stands behind him, resting his hands on jisungs shoulders as he leans forward and takes his mother's hands.

his mom was always nicer about everything than his father.

"hi sweetie." his mom smiles, weak and broken.

"this is my boyfriend changbin. he has helped me a lot these past months."

the withering woman smiles up at changbin. "he's handsome."

changbin smiles. "hello," he greets. "it's great to meet you."

"jisung honey, can you go get me ice?" 

"yes." jisung nearly runs out the door, leaving changbin with his sick mother.

"changbin is it?"

"yes ma'am?" 

she pats the chair softly and changbin sits, letting her take his hand. "ive seen many pictures of you with him online. and you seem to make him very happy. do you love him?"

"I love him more than anything." 

"here," 

"oh. Oh no i can't take-"

"he's my only child." she whispers. "please take it."

changbin takes the thin band. 

"you can get it altered for his likes. I know he might like silver more, but I want you to marry my son."

changbin smiles. "i will. I will marry him. thank you so much."

she caresses his cheek gently. "hide it."

changbin does right as jisung returns.

all the shine of a thousand spotlights,

all the stars we steal from the night sky..

will never be enough.

never be enough.

towers of gold are still too little,

these hands could hold the world but itll

never be enough,

never be enough,

for me.

on the fourth day, jising gets the call as he is about to fall asleep.

the first time he heard his father cry since he was 8 years old.

"she's gone."

jisung didn't go to the hospital. he simply curls into changbins chest and cries.

changbin knows. 

he knows why. so he says nothing and holds him, the tiny circle ring burning holes in his memory.

5 months left, he would do it then.

"7 months jisung. but ive loved you for an eternity more."

-

he was getting better. 

it has been a month and he was laughing and smiling. 

finally, they were getting back to normal.

"only 4 more months till a year!" jisung giggles, taking another bite of his cake.

changbin coughs a little, the small ring floating into his head. 

"sorry." jisung smiles softly. 

"no sorry its just dry. yes im excited. and happy." changbin smiles back. 

"well well well, still together huh?" the voice makes jisung stiffen.

changbin stands fast to block jisung in his chair. 

"oh so protective. cant he protect himself?" minho laughs.

"we are in public. back off " 

minho raises an eyebrow. "what are you going to do if I don't?"

"rip your fucking arms off. get the fuck away from us."

minho stares at him. he was smaller than changbin and definitely weaker.

"please leave me alone." jisung whimpers, gripping the bottom of changbins shirt.

minho rolls his eyes. "whatever i was joking around. I have a new fucktoy anyway. you're ugly and fat now anyway. bye."

jisung stands shakily.

changbin throws down money for the bill and hurriedly takes him to the car.

he holds jisungs hand as he drives. "its okay baby. just breathe for me. you're okay."

"am i fat and ugly?" 

"no. don't say that."

"i gained weight."

"yes and I love it. you're gorgeous baby."

jisung stares at him with big doe eyes. "are you sure you still love me?"

"ill love you even when we are old jisung. you will always be beautiful to me."

heart beats fast,

colors and promises,

how to be brave, how can i love when i'm afraid

to fall,

but watching you stand alone,

all of my doubts,

suddenly goes away somehow.

one step closer…

"movie night!" jisung squeals, climbing into the blanket pile. "just like ages ago!"

changbin grins as jisung snuggles close to him.

millions of thoughts ran through his head as the lights from the tv shine across jisungs face.

he isn't even sure what movies they are watching. 

3 more months. his plans were all finished and he couldn't wait.

sure a year might be soon for normal people but for changbin, if he doesn't do it soon he will lose jisung.

or that's what his mind makes him think.

I have died every day waiting for you,

darling don't be afraid i have loved you,

for a thousand years.

ill love you for a thousand more.

all along I believed I would find you,

time has brought your heart to me 

I have loved you

for a thousand years.

ill love you for a thousand more.

jisung has sauce all over his face.

its sunday and this is the best week they had had so far.

jisung was blabbering about some tv show and changbin couldn't focus on anything but his eyes. 

"I love you," he blurts.

jisungs cheeks tint pink. "shut up. I was talking about something." he mumbles.

changbin smiles and leans forward, cheek in his hand. "keep going."

ive seen the world, lit it up

as my stage now,

channeling angels in a new age now

hot summer days, rock and roll

the way you play for me at your show

and all the ways, I got to know

your pretty face and electric soul

that night they lay in bed, sweating, although neither were wearing clothes and no blankets were on the bed.

jisung rolls onto changbins chest. "thank you."

"for what?" 

"loving me even though im fucked up."

"you're not so bad."

"i love you changbin."

"ill love you forever and more jisung."

will you still love me

when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

will you still love me

when I've got nothing but my aching soul?

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

he isn't sure what happens.

nothing seemed to trigger it. 

but it always happens this way right?

after bottling up the sickness and screams for so long they really tear you apart.

that's what changbin comes home to.

jisung being torn apart.

"jisung! jisung!" he yells over jisungs screams.

jisung thrashes, arms red with scratch marks and eyes wild with fear, wide and dilated.

"what happened?!" changbin begs. "stop that! talk to me!"

jisung slams his head into the wall, the side of his head hitting it and making a dull thud.

he was having some kind of break down.

the screaming stop but jisung finds anyway to harm himself that he can.

until changbin constrains him in bed, holding him down.

"please stop. jisung please. I don't know what's wrong but you're scaring me please stop. breathe."

jisung stares at him. and he screams again, threshing against him.

he lands a few solid hits and changbin lets go, stumbling back.

jisungs chest heaves as he grips the bed and stares wide eyed at the walls.

and then his eyes roll back and he passes out.

forgive me, I'm trying to find

my calling, I'm calling at night

I don't mean to be a bother

but have you seen this boy?

he's been running through my dreams

and it's driving me crazy, it seems

I'm going to ask him to marry me

even though he doesn't believe in love

Im determined to call his bluff

who could deny these butterflies?

they're filling their guts.

"it was something of a psychotic episode." the doctor says. "it happens often with patients with trauma such as rape or abuse. he was most likely holding back all of his fear and emotion towards it and it ended up breaking. we will send him home but if it happens again or he hurts himself, we will have to put him away. for his own safety."

"thank you." changbin states, holding jisungs hand. "I really appreciate it."

jisungs cheek rests on his shoulder.

"are you feeling okay?" the doctor leans towards jisung.

jisung looks at him. "sorry, I zoned out."

"okay. well we have some mediation for you to take or you to give him," he gestures to jisung then changbin, "if he seems to be getting unstable. you can pick it up on your way home."

they do.

waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces

he pleads though he tries

but he's only denied

now he's dying to get inside

forgive me, I'm trying to find

my calling, I'm calling at night

I don't mean to be a bother

but have you seen this boy?

he's been running through my dreams

and it's driving me crazy, it seems

I'm going to ask him to marry me

the neighbors said he moved away

funny how it rained all day

I didn't think much of it then

but it's starting to all make sense

oh, I can see now that all of these clouds

are following me in my desperate endeavor

to find my whoever, wherever he may be

it was raining as changbin carried jisungs limp body to his car.

they were soaked. 

jisungs clothes stained with blood.

changbin sobs heavily, almost wrecking his car trying to get to the hospital.

"im sorry but i couldn't help myself." jisung cries.

"its okay. its okay. we are going to get you help baby. you'll be okay soon."

2 months left.

this bed's an island made of feather down, 

and I'm stuck here alone

with little else but memories of you, 

on memory foam

visions of a brighter love, 

I'd kill for one more day

to pool my thoughts, and find the words to say

changbin really forgot how empty the house was before jisung came.

and clean.

no more clothes in the living room or trash in their room.

changbins room.

each day inches closer to one month and when he can finally visit jisung.

and each day his heart cracks more and more for the boy he wants the most.

if these sheets were the states

and you were miles away

I'd fold them end over end

to bring you closer to me

because I don't sleep at all 

without you pressed up against me.

I settle for long distance calls 

im lost in empty pillow talk again.

jisung hugs changbin so tight that it heals changbins heart just a little bit.

"ive missed you so much jisung."

instead of visiting, jisung got released exactly one month and 7 days from when he was admitted.

and he can come home.

jisung is hyper on the ride and the second they're inside he pounces, kissing changbin hard.

"woah. are you okay enough to-"

"yes. ive missed you so much changbin. please."

in a city of fools, 

I was careful and cool

but they tore me apart like a hurricane

a handful of moments, 

I wished I could change

but I was carried away

give me a therapy, I'm a walking travesty

but I'm smiling at everything

therapy, you were never a friend to me

and you can keep all your misery

5 days.

everything was ordered. everything was perfect.

he was so ready.

and jisung had no clue.

arrogant boy

love yourself so no one has to

they're better off without you

they're better off without you

arrogant boy

cause a scene like you're supposed to

they'll fall asleep without you

you're lucky if your memory remains

"jisung are you ready for our date??" 

no response.

"happy one year! I love you!"

still none.

"jisung?"

changbin knocks on the bathroom door then tries the handle.

locked.

he wastes no time kicking the door in.

he collapses at the sight, a gurgling noise escaping his throat.

"oh my god."

he scrambles to pull jisung to his arms.

"jisung. wake up."

his eyes are glazed over and dull, all life drained.

changbin screams, holding jisung to his chest, he shoves his fingers down his throat over and over and over.

nothing.

he isn't sure how long he lays their cradling the lifeless boy, but his screams attract the neighbors and soon the police.

and jisung is taken from him.

he can't seem to move.

changbin,

I want you to know how much you mean to me. my whole life was filled with people who screwed me over until I met you.

but i think i ruined you.

and i'm so sorry.

i should have told you sooner that chan raping me made me so much worse than you thought.

but i was scared.

and now you're having to read this.

im sorry changbin.

I love you so much and none of this was your fault.

happy one year.

goodbye.

han jisung never realized how much he really meant to seo changbin.

he was a boy with one friend who wasn't really a friend.

a boy whose mother jumped from a bridge when he was 16 years old and whose sister followed suit when he was 18.

both notes never said i love you to changbin.

solely because he never told them he loved them. so he knows its his fault.

a boy whose only way of feeling alive and breathing was to write lyrics and make songs.

han jisung didn't know about the folder in changbins laptop titled "jisung" that had 7 songs changbin wrote all for him.

han jisung was all changbin had.

this was the story of how jisung became changbins life line without him knowing a thing.

and it ends the way it begins.

a thunderstorm and a boy on the road covered in blood.

but this time he isn't breathing and the last word on his lips as the truck left him in the street light was "jisung."

i wish that i could wake up

with amnesia

and forget about the stupid little things

like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you

and the memories i never can escape

cause i'm really not fine at all

tell me this is just a dream.

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave kudos and let me know if you liked it ahhh


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